Friday, June 01, 2007

#98 is about the weight

288 Pounds

288 POUNDS!?!

This is horrible. I've spent almost two weeks at the biscuit factory sweating my butt off and I'm at 288. Which means I was probably close to 300 when I left college last month. No wonder some of my shirts were starting to not fit.

Folks, if you've ever wondered what hitting bottom looks like, keep reading this blog.

I have to rebuild so much in this next year. I have to rebuild my whole system of living, what I eat, how I study, how I deal with relationships and friendships. All these things need to be better because towards the end last semester they all started falling apart. I mean, here is what it comes down to. If I can't find a way to make myself happy, how in the world am I supposed to keep moving at this pace that I've set?

My mom and I (and my stepdad and my sister...) talked about how basically I've been relying on external praise and support almost solely. It's the "Actor's Drug" the need to feel loved by everyone at every time. It kinda makes since now looking back at how often I hogged the mic at film committee screenings. The approval of a crowd, it's the ultimate high. But I'm starting to realize that the external confidence started to replace the confidence I had inside of me. Now, there is very little left, and I'm stuck trying to getting more and more of it, stretching me to the limits.

Am I rambling yet?

Madrigal Night Live 2. I co-produced, I directed some shorts, I wrote some scripts, I acted in over half the sketches. I used to say that like it was a badge of honor, now I realize that I was trying to grab as much spotlight as I could get my hands on, my skin only felt warm underneath the glow of stage lighting. Jeez, writing this I realize how zealous I turned out to be.

I have to learn to love myself. I'll repeat. I have to learn to love myself.


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